Sometimes I wonder if Will ever misses me, misses what we had. He seemed so lonely the other night when he came over to hang out. I got the feeling that he was avoiding having to leave when he kept finding things to talk about. He ended up staying til two in the morning, several hours longer than either of us planned.
When he hugs me goodbye I get the feeling that he doesn’t want to let go. At times it seems like he is going to kiss me. Maybe it’s out of habit, maybe it’s because he still loves me. I don’t know how I would feel if he kissed me. Excited? Weirded out? Irritated most likely, since it would make all my doubts disappear, all the time I spent healing and getting over him be for nothing.
I know that I could never ask how he feels, if he ever misses me or regrets his decision on leaving me. Either answer I got would do more harm than good.
If he doesn’t miss me and feels feels like he made the right decision, I couldn’t take the rejection over again. That doesn’t mean I want him back, it just means it would be a low punch to the ego, knowing that I am still not wanted.
Worse than that, what if he did want me back? I don’t think I could take him back. I just don’t feel the same with him anymore. I am no longer attracted to him, physically and emotionally. I would feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells with him, worried he would overreact about something so small and petty again.
Deep down I will always care for him in some way. The same goes for him. We will always be there for each other if the other is in trouble.
I feel that I am no longer attached to him, no longer in love, but at the same time I can’t bear the idea of him meeting someone new. I feel selfish, especially since I have been trying my hardest to meet someone for myself.
I think I am way past rebound. I want nothing more than to meet someone more special than him, someone to help me explore my sexuality, settle down with, and possibly start a family.