I have noticed a new defense mechanism my self conscious does. The last few “possibilities” I intentionally tried to scare away (and it worked). I guess my reasoning is that if they can’t handle the real me now, we might have problems later (if there ever was a chance for later). I talked in my last post how insecure I am while trying to date. This is the result.
I can come off as strong. Too strong sometimes I think. I have always felt the need to give my all in relationships. I will jump through hoops for a guy, even when I just met him. I think I learned that from my mom, as she did everything she could to make a guy happy.
I am incredibly loyal. Even in friendships I have felt the need to come last. Ha, I guess that’s why I am ok with making myself orgasm after the guy has had his. Anyways… I am the type of person that loves to spend every free moment I can with a special someone. Will hated it in the beginning and would only see me once a week, if that. Finally when he fell in love (supposedly) he would make more excuses to see me.
I am a lot more honest and open to guys I have been talking to, though Salien is the only one that learned about my blog within a few days of texting. In fact, he’s the only guy I have been talking to that learmed about it at all. Will didn’t learn the true extent of the blog until well into over a year in our relationship.
Right before meeting Salien I realized that I wanted a relationship and not a friend with benefits like I thought. At first, to be honest, I did want to scare him away. We had so much in common and felt the same way about things it terrified us. That’s when I kind of reigned in my “scare away” tactic. I realized that by scaring them away early, I could prevent myself from getting hurt before I got too attached.
Attachment is a huge issue for me. I get attached too easily. Having friends with benefits kind of toughened me up a bit, but not much. It made it easier not to care if I was used. it was a close call with D. I knew he had some baggage, but I let myself get semi attached in my mind to get over Will. I haven’t talked to D in months and I am over both him and Will. A win win for all, I think.
I have always tried to think ahead. Sometimes I think too far ahead or overthink things. I like to plan things out. When I meet someone, the first thing I find myself asking myself if I see “us” together. I am always afraid of scaring someone away by trying to plan too far in advance.