Yes, that’s right, I feel like a selfish bitch. Why, you are probably wondering, am I using such harsh words (and updating for that matter…)? Well, here goes. I am updating because this is a place that I know I can vent, especially when my friends are tired of hearing about my selfishness issues.
So, what am I feeling so damn selfish about? My man and the time I get to spend with him. You see, a few months back he came over, and as we were cooking dinner together, he informed me he was going to start carpooling (as in him giving a ride to and from work) with a girl in my department. I gave a short “ahh, ok?” when in my head I was irritated as hell.
I decided to let it go, as much as I could because I knew if I said something about how much I hated the idea, he might feel or think that I don’t trust him. Which in fact I trust both of them. I trust him and how much he loves me by the way he looks in my eyes, and I trust her because of how much she goes off about her boyfriend.
So, if I trust them both, what’s my problem? I will tell you. I will warn you though, its complete bullshit reasons that boil down to my selfishness. I thought it was jealousy, and maybe a part of it is, but the most of it is selfishness. I don’t want to share my man; in any way, even if it is strictly work related.
My reasoning for this is several reasons (all based on my selfishness I assume): Number one, he works graveyard shift, and I am on day shift. This means that our time together is very limited, so we only see each other once a week. I love my time with him, but really wish it was more. It used to be more until the carpooling started. Secondly, she lives on the other side of town from him, making picking up and dropping her off an extra twenty minutes out of his way to do so.
This is time that we used to spend together, either in person or on the phone. After school I used to stop by his place once he woke up and he would drive me home on his way to work. There is not enough room in the pick-up for her and me. (I do not say that in a derogatory way (maybe a little) but really, there is not enough room).
However, a month ago they changed his shift to swing. I was tickled pink. This meant more time with him, as in almost every day, AND he wasn’t carpooling with HER anymore. (I will call her Lucy).
So, the other night was his first night back on graveyard shift. I asked him if he was gonna be carpooling again. Of course, the answer was yes. I let it stew for a few days, knowing I needed to say something, but not wanting to make it sound like it was a trust issue. The other night I ended up voicing my concern of how does he expect we can spend more time together like he said if he is going to be carpooling. He thought about it for a second, but then just kind of shrugged it off, saying its “only three of the five days he works, two of which I stay at my cousins.” *Sigh*… he probably does have a point, but the first night he drives her is my night off, and the second night I used to get a ride with him to my cousin’s, leaving the last night fair game.
I really wish I could stop thinking about how much it bugs me. The more I think about it, the more I want to break something; its pure selfishness. This situation and me venting about it has caused me to get some major instant bad karma as well. The stories are actually kind of funny. Yes, I do believe in karma.
The first time I noticed karma get me was when they first started carpooling, one of the toilets on shift kept flooding, making her night miserable. I got a kick out of her bad night. The next day karma got me by her mentioning several times about my boyfriend, i.e. things they have in common, her happy to go home soon, glad he was getting off soon, etc.
The other day I was venting to a friend about the carpooling starting up again, and as soon as I brought up my selfish reasons on why I hate the idea, I slipped and fell on my ass. Yes it hurt, my ass is bruised, but it was funny and awesome timing. I stopped venting for the time being.
I began venting to someone again today, and then he called, saying he was going to stop by on his way to work tonight to get something. He made it a point to mention it would be slightly later because he has to pick Lucy up first. I really wish I had waited to say something about him picking up what he needed until this weekend when I would not be home. That way I would not have to see her in his pickup, or them driving off together. Just typing this irks me, because as I type, he’s leaving to go pick her up.
One of these days when I run into her at work, I would love to ask her how she would feel if her boyfriend gave another girl a ride to work, especially if it meant that their time together would be cut down to once a week of seeing each other.
However, I know if I do say something to her, it would get back to my boyfriend some how, or worse yet, they would think I don’t trust them; which leaves me back at square one.
So I ask you dear readers (the few that I believe I still have left), how do I get this out of my mind? How can I get over my selfishness? I really don’t like this angry feeling I get when I think about it. I feel childish and bitchy. Please help with any advice. I am sure someone has been in a similar situation.